From the experiences of others and mine, these are the categories I have come up with.

The obligatory friend: You have been working for four years now, and suddenly, your ex-classmate calls you up from nowhere. "Remember, I used to sit at the front of the class?" she exclaims. You are invited cordially to have lunch with her the next day. Of course, you would go. What kind of a person are you otherwise? The problem is, you find the lunch extremely boring, or find this gal to be a total bigot and don't want to meet her again. She, for some unknown reason, loves your company. When the thank you note arrives with a second invitation, words fail you. It could be an old neighbor, whom you always hated secretly, a distant cousin, a … you get the drift, right?

The 'dumb' friend: This is the dude who thinks that except 'Armageddon', every other movie is a chick-flick. He gets a mighty headache when you talk about some thing intelligent for more than five minutes. He hates standards, brings every thing down to his own petty level and generally make you feel so empty that you want to rush back home and watch '2001, a space odyssey' (or whatever your favorite cerebral move is) one more time. For the sake of your sanity, dump him. Dumb to Dump. See, how easy it is?

The friend who never calls: Make that the friend who never calls/writes/chats/emails. We all have these kind of 'friends'. We keep throwing the ball into their court again, since we feel it's the 'nice thing to do'. Try this method. Wait for them to take the initiative. You would be surprised how many folks don't call you at all. This might bruise your self-esteem a bit, but it will free up loads of time.

The friend who keeps 'putting you down': In the name of humor, this friend makes fun of you. She is always teasing you, whining about your faults and generally making your life miserable. Again, get out of this kind of 'friendship' as fast as you can. You already have your own negative thoughts to keep you company, and you don't need these people too.

The friend who blackmails you emotionally: I knew this dude who used to make everybody feel guilty about not being enough 'friendly' with him. He would remember every single birthday, every single anniversary and every single goddamned occasion to send you a greeting. And then he would sulk, when people didn't reply him in kind. This guy will drain your energies like the proverbial siphon.

The friend who needs to be 'saved': Are you kidding? Unless you are a psychiatrist paid for your services, don't make friends with people who are sad, melancholic, negative and have a bad smell. Unless they want to change, you can't make them. Only in fairy tales are, 'Damsels in distress' saved by princes. If you still feel you are living in a fairy tale, hit the 'X' sign at the far end of the browser right now.

Friends you make because you need them: "I have kids. And they need some company. So I need to make friends with this family down the road. I need somebody to go out to lunch with, at work." These are the reasons generally offered by people when you ask them, why they grit their teeth and bear with some of their friends. As the wise man in 'Indiana Jones and the last crusade' says, "Choose wisely." The first person you are going to run into is not always the best person.

The friend who's nice only to you: So you have this friend who uses other people, lies, plays dirty to get ahead in life, but is on great terms with you. All that matters is how he treats you, right? Wrong! This might sound obvious, but the first and foremost basis of friendship is integrity. Like, would you really have believed Hitler to be a nice guy, if he was being chummy with you? (Unless, of course, you were one of those skinheads roaming in Berlin to crack open the skulls of those pesky foreigners.)

Reasons why we persist with such friends:

The myth of networking.

You never know whom you might need, you know… The fallacy of this theory is if you are spending 90% of your spare time entertaining your friends, you probably will never get around to make use of any of those connections you are building up. Unless you want to run for the local city council, you don't need this kind of clog-up in your life.

It's not nice to refuse an invitation.

It's worse to spend your time with people whose company you don't enjoy. And what about the people who refuse all your invitations, ha? Do you think they ever feel guilty? Why should you do?

But, I run into them all the time! How can I avoid them?

Nobody is telling you to avoid them, just not to attend each and every party they throw. You choose baby! Isn't that refreshing?

Your success is measured by the number of friends you have.

Make that the number of true friends you have. An average human being can't have more than, say, 5-10 good friends at any given time. Do you mean to tell me there are about a thousand people who genuinely and truly love you? I didn't think so.

Epilogue or 'don't end this essay without reading this':

Before you get down to start writing dirty email to me, consider this. I am not saying you don't need any friends. There will always be good friends who might fit into one of the above categories. (Hell, I have a friend whom I don't chat with for months, but whenever we get to meet, we are hunky-dory all over again.)

I am just saying that quantity doesn't necessarily equate to quality. I am also saying that you have the power to choose.

Go all out for the friends you truly care about and who truly care for you in turn.

Cancelled that email flame you were going to send me? Thank you, thank you!!! My mailbox is already filled up with email from friends, who forward jokes to me, and think, they are actually keeping in touch…

More articles by Murali Chari

1. Do we need a movie on Bhagat Singh?
2. Raja and Rani visit Timbuktu!
3. Worshipping False Heroes
4. The English Media bites the dust
5. "Where We Indians Got it Wrong...."
6. "All this for the rest of us!"
7. Do we deserve the movies we get?
8. The 'friends' you need to dump
9. Raja and Rani visit Timbuktu!
10. "Where we Indians got it wrong….."
11. "When 98 is greater than hundred"
12. "How Easy It is...."