Cannibalism isn't part of the American political system, but even so, candidates often find themselves thoroughly chewed up. If they don't have money or fame, they might as well take off their clothes and cover themselves with ketchup.

Not surprisingly, it was the money of a millionaire that helped fund the recent petition drive in California. As a result, the state's voters will decide in October whether to "recall" the governor. This is ironic, because if you had asked people on the streets of California to name the governor, most of them would have said: "I don't recall."

The governor's name is Gray Davis, though it's more accurate these days to call him Grayer Davis. If the majority of voters choose to recall him, he'll be history, victim of a provision in California law that allows voters to be fickle. One day he's the toast of the state, the next day he's ... well, toast.

So who will run the state? Well, it would be easier to tell you who won't: LaToya Jackson, Richard Simmons, and Uday Hussein.

A whopping 135 names will be on the ballot. No, that's not a misprint: 135 names! This is what happens when the unemployment rate is so high -- everybody needs a job. Never mind that most of the candidates have less political experience than a ham sandwich.

Reporter: "Have you ever held public office?"

Candidate: "No, but I once cleaned a public office. And if elected, I plan to clean house in Sacramento."

The big name on the ballot, of course, is Arnold Schwarzenegger, a.k.a. The Terminator. He has already sent thrills through the state, as Californians anticipate their next bumper sticker: "My governor can beat up your governor." Voters won't have trouble finding Schwarzenegger's name on the ballot: It's the only one that's continued on the next page.

If Schwarzenegger seems a strange candidate, wait till you meet some of his opponents:

---Gary Coleman: Star of the sitcom "Different Strokes," he has a major edge over Schwarzenegger: He knows how to act. Some voters, concerned about security in the post-9/11 world, have already thrown their support behind Coleman, noting that he once worked as a mall security guard.

---Larry Flynt: Publisher of an adult magazine called "Hustler," he boasts one significant advantage over his opponents: He has experience working on a number of different issues, including the "Best of Hustler" issue. If elected, he plans to change the state's name to Calipornia.

---Mary Carey: Having appeared in a number of adult movies, she doesn't plan to do much campaigning: Californians are already familiar with her assets. She and Schwarzenegger have brought unprecedented excitement to the race, allowing voters to ask an intriguing question: Who has the bigger chest?

Perhaps the most troubling aspect of the election is the cost. The cash-strapped state will have to spend an estimated $67 million. As President Bush would say, "Why spend so much money on a recall election? Just let the Supreme Court decide."

More articles by Melvin Durai

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