In case you've heard of the economic crisis in Zimbabwe and
are worried about the millions of people struggling to buy
food and other essentials, let me give you some good news.
President Robert Mugabe, longtime leader of the southern
African nation, has come up with a brilliant solution: He's
going to print more money.
According to the Associated Press, Mugabe told a meeting of
council members, "Where money for projects has not been
found, we will print it." A heated discussion followed, with
some members favoring the Hewlett-Packard Laser Jet printer
and others preferring Dell.
Economists in Zimbabwe were soon scratching their heads,
asking themselves, "Why didn't we think of that?"
That's what separates the great leaders from the average
ones. They know how to think "outside the box." Mugabe's
ingenious strategy has caused American economist Craig
Newmark to declare, "This year's race for the Nobel Prize in
Economics is over. Robert Mugabe will win."
I don't know if he'll win the Nobel, but he'll certainly be
in the running, especially if he prints some Swedish money
and mails it to the committee.
At least one of you is probably thinking, "But Melvin, isn't
printing money illegal? My cousin Sal tried to do it and
he's now serving five years in the penitentiary."
Sal is not very smart. If he wants to print money, he needs
to do it legally. He needs to go to Zimbabwe and work for
the president. He'll be able to print all sorts of items:
one-million-dollar notes, land and property deeds, letters
of admiration from economists around the world.
A million-dollar note may soon be necessary, considering the
rampant inflation plaguing the country. Prices are rising
faster than Salman Rushdie's alimony payments. A loaf of
bread costs 50 times what it did a year ago, which means
that the only people who are eating bread on a regular basis
are the night watchmen at the bakery. Poor guys, they can't
afford to nap anymore.
The Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe has just issued a 200,000
Zimbabwe dollar note, which will buy you a 1kg bag of sugar.
That's not much at all, especially since just a few years
ago, you could have bought the sugar plantation.
Folks just can't afford to buy necessities anymore. "It
doesn't make sense for me to spend 50,000 Zimbabwean dollars
on a small bundle of firewood," said a 30-year-old woman
named Esther. "Especially when I can get a better,
longer-lasting fire by burning the cash."
A 25-year-old man named Gift said he would not pick a 1,000
Zimbabwean dollar note off the ground. "It is worthless," he
said. "No one will pick it up."
Actually, some people do pick it up. "If we care about our
country, we shouldn't leave money lying around," said a
50-year-old man named James. "We should pick it up and put
it into a trash bin."
Not only are prices too high, food and other items are in
short supply. People have to stand in line for everything.
There are lines for bread, lines for milk, even lines for
lines.
Young man: "Excuse me, is this the line to buy fishing
line?"
Old man: "No, they're out of fishing line again. This is
the line to call the complaint line."
Young man: "Who do we complain to? Mugabe?"
Old man: "It's not Mugabe's fault. He's been in power for
only 27 years. You've got to give him time."
Young man: "Time for what?"
Old man: "To print more money, of course." |
