NRI Spouse Experiences



I Need Help But Dont Know Who Can

Posted by: pinky On 03 Dec 2005

i have been married for 2 yrs now. my husband treats me like dirt. he doesnt hav any affair or anything but he verbally abuses me and even my parents who r in india. his parents do to. he has weird habits things which look good only as a child or a mentally handicapped person. he uses very cheap abusive language and has even tried to physically abuse me. to him wife means a slave from india who should be doing things as he wants her to. i am educated and am planning to go to school next year. but i am on dependent visa h4 and so i cannot work. and he knowing this threatens of divorcing me or sending me back. i have talked to people regarding my problem but everyone says that the truth is i legally have no rights to stop him from doing this and if he trully divorces me then he is not entitled for giving me any alimony. i have tried everything to make this work but it just wont. i need some answer to the time of my life that has been wasted. i will be called divorced. this too for no fault of mine. can someone help?

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Problem ...Solutions...

Posted by: SoormaBhopali On 19 Nov 2005

I have seen many cases of such issues and problems ,in most of cases wife complains husband is greedy ,works like machine no time for her or blah blah ....most of these cases are due to "cultural change" and wife new in US doesnt understand kindof job unsecurity husband feels ...and then problems at home front causes serious issues ...because wife and husband both are from non US back ground and they have different "mental state" one is soem what adopted (husband) and other is totally new ,dont know any thing about country and its problems simply blames husband ...It s soultion is very simple communicate and try to spend some time ...if this didn't work out try to visit India for some time ...becuase in india we remain socally attached and here totally isolated taht causes many mental /psycho issues .

Remember those saying calling 911 or divorce threat is not solution ,until unless its serious lile extra relation taht is not issue in most of cases ,do not spoil ur family life by such suggestions on this message board ...communicate ,communicate to your husband ,father sister friends ..thats solve most of problem ...also try to understand U are new to this envionment and trying to spend life with someone who is adapted in this ...Arrange or Love marriage both go thur this phase and those who are not in arranged marriage feel more insecure as in most cases they dont get "support" from any one in family ...

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Wife Too

Posted by: Ken On 27 Aug 2005

To all those who read this. Please remember, there are some girls too
who behave like men. Do not forget this. One my friends married a girl who were eagerly waiting for one of years just for him. All becuase he was working in USA. Eventhough he was 14 years elder than her, the girls mother decided to give her daughter to him. This poor guy did not know that. Anyhow marriage was over, then the girl start to give him trouble. Right from the beginning she started to note down his bank account number, bank balance, and everthing in the home. The on one situation when the was a conflict and heated arguments arised, she called 911 and she said he slapped. That is it.
He went to jail. He plan was worked out and successful. She ran away with ten thousand dollars to india with their kid. Now this pool buy is alone passing his life in US after his jail term.

See there are some bad girls like my friend's wife. Marry just for money and US dream.

"Not all men are bad and not all women are good"

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Don't Afraid From Your Citizen Or Greencard Holder Spouse

Posted by: Friend On 29 Jun 2005

http://uscis.gov/graphics/howdoi/battered.htm

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Be Strong

Posted by: A Husband On 31 May 2005

I would like to give a simple advice, to all the wifes who are suffering....be strong. What I mean by that is that you should not silently suffer your husbands abuse. If they keep getting away with it, thye will keep doing it. You have to make them realize that they cannot get away by abusing you. You can call or threaten to call 911, you can shout for help when he abuses. Beleive me such beasts, never want the world to find out their true colors, so just the threat of being exposed can do the trick.

Bottomline is, never take the abuse quitely. Always fight back, be it by threating to divorce, calling 911 or getting help from neighbours and friends. Find out what scares him the most. Is it the threat of calling 911, or threat of calling neighbors or threat of divoce, and use it to your advantage. Also remember, have the courage to carry the threat through if situation demands it. There is no point in degrading yourself and suffering in silence.

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Long Time....

Posted by: lost On 25 May 2005

hi everybody,
saw all the msgs here after a long time. didn't want to come back, but couldn't resist. guess there was some anger coz i wasn't replying.
well! finally i've got two part-time jobs , so i am getting gruelled from 8a.m. to 8p.m. most of the days. no complaints, i can take the job-tension. the scene at home is no good. earlier my husband used to insult me coz according to him i was eating from his money, and now, since i've started earning, he insults me saying that my contribution is peanuts, and i wouldn't be able to live alone on my income. it is still because of him that i can survive in this country! i agree that i donot earn as much as he does, but when i see other people's wives who blow up their husband's money for everything, without any care, i feel i am much better. not to mention that i also envy these women whose husbands donot think that they r a burden on them. well! as i've told u all earlier we've had many nasty fights, and now i am totally immune to whatever he says to me. after rebuking, insulting, and abusing me, when i don't reply to him, he laughs at me and says that i can't reply coz i have no self-repect in me. maybe that's true that i've lost it.
someone mentioned that i can file for divorce and he'll have to give half of his savings to me. well! i don't want any of his money at all. even divorce won't solve anything for me, as i said earlier. my parents will probably kill themselves if i go for a divorce.
my worry is that if my parents r to visit me over here, i am scared that how much will my husband whine if he'll have to spend money on them, like for taking trips around US or anything. if not in front of them, then after they leave, every moment he'll make me realize what a big favor he has done to me for keeping my parents. they r planning to visit sometime, and i don't know what excuse to make to them so that they don't come, until i could find a decent job for myself. some full-time job which has a decent salary. i know that way i won't have time to spend with them, but atleast i can send them for a trip around US.
right now the jobs i am doing, i am paid hourly, and they r not up to my qualification as well. i know it's a difficult thing to find a job, but i'll keep trying. kahin-na-kahin to lag jaani chahiye.
i haven't been to India to visit my parents even once since i got married. but it seems like a far cry now, coz whenever i mention that the same thing comes up - money that he'll have to spend on my trip. so i made an excuse to my parents that i can't come because there is no leave in my job, whereas the truth is that i will happily leave my jobs and go, and again come back and look for another. but i donot have that liberty. so that's why my parents r planning to visit.
i want to earn so much that i can keep my parents here without any tension and make their stay enjoyabale, and if possible also make a trip to India. but it seems with the current income that i get, it'll take me another 3-4 years to earn that much. also my husband does not want to invest in any car for the "peanuts" i bring in, even though i go to two places. so he has left no choices for me. if i find a job which is very far from where we stay, i don't know how we'll handle. he says that first i should show him that i can earn big enough to get me a car. i can understand that though. but in this country it is very difficult without a car. many a times i have to walk down for one part-time job, and for the other i borrow his car. so commuting takes much of my time. i am not an excellent cook, but i manage to cook enough for two days. so that way i won't have to cook everyday. thankfully he is not complaining much about the food nowadays. so that's one good thing in my life. i miss India a lot, very much. there i didn't have to worry about anything once i got back from work. it was good to get back from work those days.
well! don't know when will i be checking this site again, hopefully sooner, but it feels good to write down one's feelings, and what's going on in one's mind.
thanks & hope u all have a nice time in this long weekend!

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Well I Agree With You

Posted by: MNM On 19 May 2005

I certainly agree with you that there are many girls who don't want to work and think 'Shaadi' is the ultimate aim in life.

They are one of those girls who go to engineering colleges to just add another degree in their 'bio data' for their parents to find a better match,the day they get married they think their husband is going to feed them, dress them and keep them really well.Most of the girls are brought up that way who think before the wedding its their parents and after the wedding they are their husband's responsibility.

Now this may offend a lot of girls out here but honestly I am one and hate to become a liability on anyone be it my parents or husband.I know how to make way in this world and use my education and be an independent individual.

Its important for everyone to realise that be it a man or a woman one needs to have their own indentity to be recognised and treated well in society.

All the best !

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Help Me...

Posted by: Husband of one of these girls who is complaining.. On 19 May 2005

I'm a husband and obviously I'm not good at complaining! But I'll give an honest try - the way I see my wife.

We loved each other very much 3 years back (before marriage of course) and she's my junior in engineering college.

Got married and I took her all around world (you name a place) in the first year based on the FACT (not assumption) that she, like any other engineer, would get a job and like to work.

It turned out that it took her two years to figure out that she doesn't like to work - that's okay with me since I never asked her to work. I always said that 'DO WHAT YOU LIKE' not by influence, not by force.

Like most of first generation Indians I help my parents. My wife also likes to do that which is fine with me as long as it's reasonable. Instead she want to send her parents to all India trips, to buy car ... Once in a while sending her parents on a trip is perfectly acceptable but not once every SIX months... My answer to that was that 'YOU NEED TO GET A JOB' - There's no way we could afford to spend like this...


Now, she complains on me for every thing. It's a mistake if I come early, it’s a mistake for whatever I do. It's obvious that there is no chemistry between us anymore and I've told her that she need not STICK to me for rest of her life if she's not happy.

I must add, other than my 10hrs a day work (like any software guy) I also clean the house, take care of bills, I do laundry, I do grocery, I cook at least two to three times a week - just to list a few. All my attempts to EMPOWER her with responsibilities ended up in disasters (including calls from collection agencies.)

Bottom line, she's one lazy girl. All she does is complaining. She doesn’t know what she WANTS but want to do everything that her friends do - which is not possible.

With all this, I never complained. I keep myself so busy that I never have time to complain! The problem that most of the girls who have previously posted in this thread is that they have a lot of time and they simply don’t know how to PRIORITIZE the things. Had they start using the same time in better things, life will be much better – no complains – it’s all our choices.

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Is Giving Advice Here A Waste Of Time?

Posted by: Doh!! On 02 May 2005

I was just wondering if its a big waste of everybody's time to give advice in this particular thread?
I see lots of battered/abused women writing their sagas here and a lot of well-intentioned women coming out and giving them encouragment and support and helpful, practical advice and then these abused women just seem to disappear!!
I think most of them would rather just go on being beaten by their husband's than rock the boat by doing something about it and they just want to use this thread to cry a bit about their situation.

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For LOST

Posted by: JD On 28 Apr 2005

LOST,

one more thing. If you find a good lawyer and file for a divorce here, ur macho hubby will be begging u not to go through with the divorce because if that happens he will end up giving you half his bank balance and assets. This actually has happened to a friend of mine...the only difference was that his wife turned out to be a schemy B...CH and slapped a false divorce case on him that he beats her up etc etc. He ended up paying half his life's earnings to her. Thats how it works in US. So, make use of this knowledge if u ever need to.

-JD

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